Valentine's Day tends to focus on expressing love toward others: your partner, your children, your parents. But research suggests that to love others wholly, you must love yourself and hold yourself in esteem.
People who doubt themselves may undermine romantic relationships. People with high self-esteem are less inclined to take rejection to heart and more inclined to feel accepted and included. People who doubt their self-worth are more apt to interpret neutral behavior as hostile, making expectations of rejection in relationships a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you don't believe the studies, take it from the greats.
“Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting,” William Shakespeare wrote in "King Henry V."
"Your self-worth is determined by you," Beyoncé said. "You don't have to depend on someone telling you who you are.”
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," Eleanor Roosevelt once said.
Practicing self-love, learning how to treat yourself as kindly as you treat others, and accepting your mistakes and imperfections is not an easy task – but it is essential, research shows. People who work on being kind to themselves are less stressed and anxious, and more optimistic.
"I think there's a real shift in psychology toward self-compassion and really being able to look at loving yourself and treating yourself the way you would your own best friend, and being able to really show up for yourself when you're struggling or when things are not going your way," Cleveland Clinic psychotherapist Natacha Duke said last year.
Loving yourself by prioritizing your own needs is not selfish, experts say.
"Sometimes patients can be concerned that self-compassion is going to make them lazy or self-indulgent, but self-compassion is very different from being self-indulgent," Taylor Crouch, a licensed clinical psychologist Virginia Commonwealth University Health in Richmond, Virginia, said in a health system newsletter in 2023. "It"s really having an attitude of wanting to be as healthy as you can be and live the best life you can by making changes from a place of self-care and self-love."
Here are some tips for how to fall in love with yourself:
Avoid comparing yourself to others
If people's posts on social media are making you feel less than, remember that it's all heavily-curated, that it's a "snippet of a moment, not the fully fleshed out reality," Janelle S. Peifer, a licensed clinical psychologist and assistant professor at the University of Richmond, told Self in 2022. Avoid looking at your phone the first thing in the morning. Attempt a weeklong social media cleanse.
"If you feel continually as if you’re 'less than,' ask yourself 'How old is this feeling?'" career and leadership coach Kathy Caprino wrote in Forbes in 2017. "I'm guessing that for most, the feeling of 'not good enough' began in early childhood, reinforced by authority figures who somehow conveyed that what you did and who you were was not worthy of their unconditional love and positive regard."
Practice positive self-talk
Realign your inner-dialogue so that instead of criticizing yourself, you make a conscious effort to speak kindly to yourself about yourself. Turn negative statements into positive ones. Instead of telling yourself, "I am not good enough," say, "I am capable."
MentalHealth.com offers other self-affirming statements to start using as mantras:
• I am worthy of love and respect, both from others and from myself.
• I am capable of achieving my goals and creating the life I want.
• I am strong, both physically and mentally, and I can overcome any obstacle.
• I am open to new experiences and challenges, which help me grow and learn.
Keep a 'success journal'
Before going to sleep each night, write down at least one success from the day, no matter how small it might seem. Maybe you'll find yourself noting two, three or more successes a day as time goes on. Shifting your focus before bed from the negative to the positive helps cultivate more success and opportunities.
Make time for pleasure
Engage in at least one activity that you enjoy each day. Maybe it's a short walk around your neighborhood, lounging in a chair on your deck with the sun in your face for 5 minutes, calling a friend or cranking up the music and dancing in your room. Maybe you have a hobby like crafting, coin collecting or photography. Pursue that side game on a regular basis.
Research shows people who engage activities they enjoy during down time self-report higher levels of happiness, health and life-satisfaction.
Do at least one form of self care a day
Even small acts of self care on a regular basis can help reduce stress, improve emotional well-being and increase productivity. Take a warm bath at night or paint your toenails. Get a massage, visit a sauna, rub lotion into your hands. Read several pages of a book at night or listen to part of a podcast. Take a break from your desk at work and stretch.
Small acts of self care will put you on a path toward making larger choices that prioritize your health and fulfillment.
Give yourself a snack
Caitlin Murray, a social media influencer, comedian and mom of a cancer survivor, has made her tagline, "Get yourself a snack." The ultimate message of her humorous posts and reels is that you don't have to "keep up with the Joneses" – that what you are doing is enough. Tune out the white noise. And just keep on keepin' on. As punctuation to this point, Murray taps her phone screen and says, "Now get yourself a snack." So do it. A bite of dark chocolate, a handful of nuts, a cluster of grapes you put to chill in the freezer. Try not to eat an entire cake. But having a slice, giving yourself a break, goes a long way toward learning to love yourself.
