Motivation anchors my men's health advocacy. In my book and here at PhillyVoice, I've documented the power of social and emotional relationships to inspire healthy living by citing science and describing my own life experiences.
From science, my go-to research is the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Continuing now for more than 80 years and widely considered the most preeminent investigation of men's health and longevity, the core findings show that a man's relationships are key to his health.
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As for my experiences, I've shared personal stories gleaned from traveling with my wife, family connections, father-son activities, intergenerational bonds, the fulfillment I get from my grandson and the emotional rewards of family gatherings and reunions.
Yes, the science and these lived experiences sustain my motivation for healthy behavior, and my passion to share this message with my 50-plus brothers, but a recent experience has me reflecting on my journey, which I'm now revisiting through a new lens.
A motivational moment
The experience was the death of my ex-wife, the mother of my children. She succumbed to complications from cancer in a relatively short time, at what today would be considered the relatively young age of 70. We had been divorced for more than 35 years but had a good relationship. The link to our two sons, and now two grandchildren, had people offering me their condolences. It was a strange feeling, but one that had my emotions centered on the kids who had lost their mother and grandmother.
Attending her funeral and encountering people I hadn't seen in decades added to the surreal nature of the situation. As I listened to her eulogy, I couldn't help but think back to the circumstances that started my path to men's health. Now, decades later, I was experiencing the same feelings rushing through my mind and body. It was all about the kids and the need to be there for them.
You see, a couple years after we split, my two sons, ages 7 and 14, came to live with me. I became a single dad, packing lunches, meeting with teachers and tending to dinner every night. As I've outlined in my book, juggling these responsibilities as I was building my career was a challenge, but I drew strength from the mission to care for those boys, and ultimately found my antidote for the pressure — exercise. When life had me feeling down, a run made me feel better. It was my coping mechanism. I had to be there for the boys. That was my motivation.
As exercise increased my ability to carry out my mission, the emotions of my fatherhood powered my exercise regimen, which expanded to resistance training, and eventually a healthy diet. Over time, the routines strengthened, and by the time the boys each went off to college, healthy behavior became a way of life that I continue today.
As I sat at my ex's service, I thought, though I'm much older, and the boys are each extremely successful with solid families of their own, I still need to be there for them. Her passing created a gap, parental and emotional, and I must be conscious of that.
Flashing back 35 years, I felt compelled to have the health and stamina to continue this mission as long as I can. The inspiration shot through me as I sat there in the church. It was like a fresh jolt that said, no matter what you've done to build bonds with the kids, it's more important than ever to increase the commitment.
The new playbook
As I've chronicled in my PhillyVoice columns, I try to "walk the walk" when it comes to intergenerational, motivation-building activities. So, while I've got a jump-start on these practices, I wanted to take a fresh look at the science now that I'm much further along in the aging process and the boys are at a different stage of life. The experts seem to agree and note what I've experienced — the benefits of parent-adult child relationships flow both ways.
The journal Innovation in Aging highlights the central role that family relationships play in shaping an individual's well-being across life, and stresses the importance of these relationships as individuals age. The experts report "that most adults feel emotionally close to their parents, and emotional support such as encouragement, companionship, and serving as a confidant is commonly exchanged in both directions."
Intergenerational support exchanges, the journal suggests, "are integral to the lives of both parents and adult children, both in times of need and in daily life."
Researchers from North Dakota State University offer some interesting insights that are particularly relevant to my situation and can help any guy who may find themselves in the same spot. Among their strategies to strengthen older adulthood parent-child relationships is to recognize the differences between traditional roles of mothers and fathers. As a young man this was something I experienced first-hand as circumstances had me playing both roles. Fortunately, this time around I have a wife who has a strong and loving relationship with both boys, their spouses, and kids. This will be a huge help, but nevertheless, I'm aware that there may be occasions where I might want to jump into this role a bit.
Other great points coming from the research team include developing communication strategies tailored to the unique needs of each child while still fostering a cohesive family unit, identifying ways to alleviate any sources of strain between siblings, participating in shared interests together, and finding ways to structure opportunities for reciprocal support.
Sources of motivation
Thirty-five years ago, I had no idea that my parental circumstances would transform my life and serve as a source of motivation for healthy living over a lifetime. Experiencing those same feelings decades later is further evidence that motivation is present in our relationships — even as we age.
Consider a point in my last column — it's never too late to embark on a healthy lifestyle — and then reflect on my story here. Together, they demonstrate that there is both inspiration and meaningful health benefits to be found if you chose to leverage these opportunities – for yourself and the people that love you.
Louis Bezich, senior vice president and chief administrative officer at Cooper University Health Care, is author of "Crack The Code: 10 Proven Secrets that Motivate Healthy Behavior and Inspire Fulfillment in Men Over 50." Read more from Louis on his website.
